About 15 years ago, I wrote a thing that went viral on the internet before going viral on the internet was a thing. This is it.

Bella: OMG this town is like, so depressing.

Bella: But the boys like me.

Bella: Oooh, look at that pretty boy over there.

Edward: *glare*

Bella: He doesn’t like me.

Edward: *stare*

Bella: Doesn’t matter. I have two boys wanting to ask me out.

Edward: *grin*

Bella: BUT HE’S SO PRETTY! *SQUEE!*

Edward: Hi, my name is Edward and I’m dark and broody and mysterious. I will hate you one day and be enraptured with you the next. Do not ask questions.

Bella: Dude, you just stopped a van from hitting me WITH YOUR BARE HANDS! Hero! *SQUEE!*

Edward: I know. I’m cool like that.

Bella: Cool, but not humanly possible. How did you do that?

Edward: First rule of mighty strength and super speed – YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT MIGHTY STRENGTH AND SUPER SPEED.

Bella: Fine. I like you. Be my friend?

Edward: *glower* Ok. But I am a scary friend.

Bella: *dreams inappropriate dream of Edward*

Jacob Black: Hi, I am Jacob Black. I am not as old as you but I am still hot. I will now tell you scary cryptic things about Forks. (The town, not the utensil.)

Bella: Know anything about Edward?

Jacob: Yep. Dawg’s a vampire. We don’t like him. Because we’re werewolves.

Bella: *dreams inappropriate dream about Edward & Jacob*

Bella: *perpetual bad mood*

Edward: *glares*

Bella’s best friends: We are going shopping and you are coming with us in an obvious plot device to get you into trouble.

Four bad guys: We are planning on doing something very nasty with you in an obvious plot device to get your almost-boyfriend to come rescue you.

Bella: Don’t mess with me for I have secret ninja powers! HI-YAH!

Edward: I have come to rescue you (possibly from yourself).

Bella: My hero! *SQUEE!*

Edward: *possessive growl*

Bella: You’re so pretty. I think I love you.

Edward: I know. I’m dead sexeh. (DEAD sexeh—get it? MUAHAHAHA!!)

Bella: I know you’re a vampire but I want you to be my boyfriend. Everyone thinks we’re going out anyway.

Edward: But I am incredibly moody, somewhat manic-depressive…

Bella: … and pretty… *squee!*

Edward: …and may possibly, y’know, eat you. Not good boyfriend material.

Bella: I am not frightened of you! *dramatic pose*

Edward: You should be. Because I SPARKLE. *sparkles*

Bella: So what do you eat?

Edward: Mountain lions and grizzly bears.

Bella: But they’re a protected species!

Edward: I only eat them when the population gets too high. I am an environmentally friendly vampire.

Bella: *SQUEE!*

Edward: But I am still a bad boyfriend.

Bella: No you’re not.

Edward: Yes I am.

Bella: No you’re not.

Edward: Yes I am.

Bella: No you’re not.

Edward: Yes I am.

Bella: You’re too beautiful and moody to be a bad boyfriend.

Edward: You smell tasty. *sniff sniff… lick*

Bella: BAD! BAD BOYFRIEND!

Edward: *sad sparkle*

Bella: I love you anyway for you have been upgraded from merely “absurdly handsome” to “excruciatingly beautiful”… and you smell minty fresh. Which is odd for a guy who’s been dead for 90 years.

Edward: *happy sparkle*

Bella: So when do we… you know?

Edward: Can’t. Ever. May crush your skull in fit of passion. Plus this book was written by a Mormon housewife which explains why I’m not even getting to second base even though I am a painfully good-looking, testosterone-filled, 17 year-old male.

Bella: So. Not. Cool.

Edward: *uncomfortable sparkly vampire version of blue b—s. Resorts to sniffing Bella. A lot.*

Cullens: We like to play baseball. In the woods. During thunderstorms.

Bad vampire (James): Bella looks tasty.

Evil vampire’s girlfriend (Victoria): *OMGLOLGGLBBQQANTAS!*

Edward: *FEROCIOUS GROWLY SPARKLE*

Useless vampire (Laurent): James is evil and now wants to eat Bella, but I’m not going to help you save her because I am the useless vampire and will bugger off to another some other good vampire family conveniently located in the kingdom of Far, Far Away.

Bella: *flits off to Phoenix to save mother from nasty vampire James while Cullens aren’t looking – even though ONE OF THEM SEES THE FREAKIN’ FUTURE*

James: I tricked you! Nyah nyah! But before I eat you, let me tell you all about my evil shenanigans, therefore giving your boyfriend and his friends adequate time to locate us, burst through the door, kill me and rescue you.

Bella: You’ve watched too many James Bond movies…

Cullens & Edward: *burst through door, kill James, rescues Bella*

James: *is deader than a few minutes ago… and slightly on fire*

Cullens: Oh dear, Bella got bitten by evil James. Edward, it falls to you to save her. Try not to get hungry and eat her in the process, m’kay?

Edward: *saves Bella, doesn’t eat her, thereby proving her point that he is a good boyfriend*

Bella: *SQUEE!*

Edward: Let’s go to prom!

Everyone: Yay!

The End. THANK GOD.